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If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"