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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?