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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.