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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume