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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Gravity is a real downer.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.