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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.