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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D