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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
It´s never to late to be happy
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time