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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.