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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
It takes balls to be a man.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!