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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Your personality needs alcohol.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.