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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow