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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.