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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
My body needs a refresh button.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.