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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.