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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.