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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.