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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.