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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"