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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I wouldn`t want lesbian parents. Not because I`m homophobic. I just don`t want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches