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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Find someone you`re good at.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode