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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.