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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.