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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.