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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Smooth move.........ExLax
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.