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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!