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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.