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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal