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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears