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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I put the pro in inappropriate.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.