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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?