Daily Silly Status

Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...

I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?

The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.

I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.

You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...

I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”

I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".

I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"

People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.

I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.

Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome