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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
More people should be at a loss for words.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.