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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.