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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.