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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.