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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!