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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.