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Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours