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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?