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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button