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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.