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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
he who laughs last thinks slow
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.