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I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Some people should come with subtitles.