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Never trust a skinny chef
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.