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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye