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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.