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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.