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Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.