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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.