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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.