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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..