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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.