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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”