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Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
2 words, 1 finger.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!