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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.