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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.