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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her