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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.