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96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…