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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?