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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.