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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of