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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.