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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.