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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!