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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
is available for rebound sex.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.