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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."