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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.