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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.