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My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.