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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok in a couple days.