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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.