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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....