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I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.