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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
High-five a veteran today.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"